


Things That Caliborn And Dirk Should Do On A Human Date

by Elendraug



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Illustrated, M/M, Pesterlog, Podfic, Voice Acting, audiofic, homosuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-04-03 20:40:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4114228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendraug/pseuds/Elendraug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>THE HAPPENSTANCE WHERE IN MACHO GUYS ARE PHYSICALLY POIGNANT WITH EACH OTHER.</p><p>(A voice acted pesterlog, complete with illustrations!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things That Caliborn And Dirk Should Do On A Human Date

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hydromeow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hydromeow/gifts), [Maim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maim/gifts).



> Art, script, and Dirk voice acting by Elendraug.
> 
> Sound engineering and Caliborn voice acting by [Phoe](http://margoslxix.tumblr.com).
> 
> Major thanks to Hydromeow and Maim for their support. ♥
> 
> **Reblog on tumblr:[audiofic](http://elendraug.tumblr.com/post/121249709696/things-that-caliborn-and-dirk-should-do-on-a-human) | [art](http://elendraug.tumblr.com/post/121249717181)**

  
undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT]  
  
uu: DIRK.  
TT: Oh, hey.  
uu: PREPARE YOUR EYES. FOR THE VISUAL EXCELLENCE I AM ABOUT TO SHOW YOU.  
TT: I'm always prepared, don't worry.  
TT: Whatcha got?  
uu: AN ARTISTIC ONSLAUGHT.  
uu: EACH OF THESE WORKS. I HAVE CRAFTED SPECIFICALLY. FOR PERUSAL BY YOU AND YOU ALONE.  
TT: Hot damn.  
TT: Don't keep me waiting, then.  
TT: Let's take a look.  
\-- undyingUmbrage [uu] sent file "DIRKTHISISUS2.png" --

uu: FEAST UPON THIS DAZZLING DISPLAY.  
  
TT: Holy shit, this is night and fuckin' day with your old stuff.  
  
TT: I'm... actually impressed, dang.  
  
uu: YOU SHOULD BE.  
  
uu: I HAVE WORKED VERY LONG. AND VERY HARD. TO PRODUCE THESE PIECES.  
  
uu: THIS IS THE FIRST OF MANY. IN A SERIES.  
  
TT: Yeah?  
  
TT: What's the theme, your favorite snacks?  
  
uu: NO.  
  
uu: WELL. YES. SORT OF.  
  
uu: SHUT UP. HOLD ON.  
  
uu: HERE IS THE NEXT ONE.  
  
uu: IT WILL MAKE MORE SENSE. ONCE YOU HAVE VIEWED THE ENTIRE LINEUP.  
  
\--   
undyingUmbrage [uu]   
sent file "DIRKTHISISUS3.png" --

TT: Are these sequels to the... uh, original, from a while back? Can't help but notice the filenames are just DIRKTHISISUS with some appended numbers.  
  
uu: THE INTEGERS ARE ESSENTIAL. SO THAT YOU CAN FOLLOW ALONG.  
  
uu: EVEN THOUGH. YOU EXHIBIT "EXCESSIVE SMARTNESS". IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU SEE THEM IN ORDER.  
  
TT: Okay, so... first is just ice cream?  
  
uu: IT'S NOT ICE CREAM, YOU FUCK.  
  
TT: Got my hopes up, yo.  
  
uu: YOUR ~HOPES~ SHOULD STILL BE ELEVATED.  
  
uu: EVEN IF YOU ARE ABYSMAL AT RECOGNIZING DECADENT FOOD ITEMS.  
  
TT: Right.  
  
TT: Let me guess again.  
  
TT: Cotton candy?  
  
uu: YES. OF COURSE.  
  
TT: Nice throwback there.  
  
TT: It comes full circle.  
  
TT: No bitches, once again?  
  
uu: THE BITCHES ARE UNNECESSARY AT THIS POINT.  
  
uu: THEY ARE NOT INVITED ON THIS EXCURSION.  
  
uu: AS COMPETENT ALPHA MALES. OF THE HIGHEST CLASS. YOU AND I HAVE NO NEED. FOR A TRUSTY BITCH PARADE.  
  
TT: I... thanks?  
  
uu: YOU'RE WELCOME.  
  
uu: (PRETEND. THAT HAD A STAMP. OR SOMETHING. WITH MY FACE ON IT.)  
  
TT: I'm using my imagination, don't worry.  
  
TT: I'm on board.  
  
TT: So the second one is me, obviously.  
  
uu: YES.  
  
TT: I look so handsome. With my... uh, is that my hair?  
  
uu: WAIT, WHICH PART?  
  
TT: That line over there.  
  
TT: On the right.  
  
uu: UGH, NO. THAT'S YOUR EAR.  
  
TT: I think you colored the wrong part?  
  
uu: OKAY. THAT'S A VALID CRITIQUE.  
  
uu: (REMIND ME LATER. AND I'LL FIX IT.)  
  
\--   
undyingUmbrage [uu]   
sent file "DIRKTHISISUS4.png" --

TT: I fuckin' love that you've taken up the "sequential arts".  
  
TT: There's us. Just standin' there.  
  
uu: YES.  
  
uu: WE ARE STANDING. ON THE PEAK OF ACHIEVEMENT MOUNTAIN.  
  
TT: Which in this case is rendered as a blank background.  
  
uu: SHHH.  
  
uu: KEEP USING YOUR IMAGINATION.  
  
uu: INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING.  
  
TT: Gotcha.  
  
\--   
undyingUmbrage [uu]   
sent file "DIRKTHISISUS5.png" --

TT: Are... what are you doing?  
  
TT: Am I being force-fed cotton candy?  
  
uu: WHAT? NO.  
  
uu: NO, NO NO.  
  
uu: I AM GENTLY TOUCHING IT. TO YOUR SOFT HUMAN LIPS.  
  
TT: Heh, it... looks like you're slamming it into my face.  
  
TT: But. All right.  
  
TT: Why cotton candy?  
  
uu: BECAUSE.  
  
uu: AS YOU TOLD ME.  
  
uu: YOUR "SHITHOLE PLANET" DOESN'T HAVE ANY.  
  
TT: Nope, it sure didn't.  
  
uu: AND WHILE I WAS WATCHING YOU. AND YOUR COPLAYERS. I NEVER SAW YOU FIND ANY. THAT WAS NOT A HAIR ACCESSORY.  
  
uu: IT IS DELICIOUS. YOU MUST EAT IT.  
  
TT: Yeah. Jane hooked us up with baked goods, but it's hard to spin corn syrup that fast in an average kitchen.  
  
TT: Even if the Crocker kitchen is way above average.  
  
uu: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU SLANDER CORN SYRUP.  
  
TT: Didn't mean to rustle your jimmies there.  
  
uu: I WILL FORGIVE YOU. FOR THIS INDISCRETION.  
  
TT: I knew I could trust your judgment on this.  
  
uu: DUH.  
  
\--   
undyingUmbrage [uu]   
sent file "DIRKTHISISUS6.png" --

TT: Y'know, you could've probably zipped all these, instead of sending them... like...  
  
TT: Oh.  
  
TT: Are...  
  
TT: What's this one.  
  
uu: THAT ONE.  
  
uu: IS ME.  
  
uu: WIPING THE SUGAR. OFF YOUR HUMAN MOUTH.  
  
uu: VERY CAREFULLY. BECAUSE OF MY CLAWS.  
  
uu: AND HOW FRAGILE YOU AND YOUR SPECIES CAN BE.  
  
TT: I, uh.  
  
TT: Heh.  
  
uu: SHHHHHHH! DON'T SAY ANYTHING.  
  
uu: WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE.  
  
uu: THE NEXT ONE IS THE BEST.  
  
TT: I'm very ready to see it.  
  
\--   
undyingUmbrage [uu]   
sent file "DIRKTHISISUS7.png" --

TT: Um.  
  
TT: This is you... kissing me.  
  
uu: YES.  
  
uu: THAT'S WHY. IT'S THE BEST ONE.  
  
TT: I'm... heh, uh. Well.  
  
TT: Should I be taking a hint, here?  
  
uu: YES.  
  
TT: What's, uh, what's the series called, if you don't mind me asking?  
  
uu: THE TITLE IS STRAIGHTFORWARD.  
  
uu: YOU ARE WITNESSING THE COLLECTION I HAVE DEEMED, "THINGS THAT CALIBORN AND DIRK SHOULD DO ON A HUMAN DATE".  
  
TT: Is that your name?  
  
TT: Caliborn?  
  
uu: YES.  
  
uu: I TRUST YOU. TO KNOW IT.  
  
TT: Caliborn.  
  
TT: God. Wow, I've been wondering that one for a long fuckin' time.  
  
TT: It's nice to say it.  
  
uu: IT FEELS GOOD. TO HEAR YOU SAY IT.  
  
TT: Aheh.  
  
TT: Um.  
  
uu: HERE IS ANOTHER PIECE OF FANTASTIC ART. FROM YOURS TRULY.  
  
\--   
undyingUmbrage [uu]   
sent file "DIRKTHISISUS8.png" --

TT: Awww. It's us drawing?  
  
uu: THE NUMBER ONE THING. WE SHOULD DO ON A HUMAN DATE.  
  
uu: IS ACCOMPLISH ARTISTIC ACHIEVEMENTS.  
  
uu: DIRK.  
  
TT: Yes?  
  
uu: WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN DOING A """COLLAB""" WITH ME?  
  
TT: Fuck yeah.  
  
TT: I can do the lines, and you can color, or vice versa.  
  
TT: We can even draw some lineart separately, then slam it together in multiple layers and see what bastard art child it produces.  
  
uu: YES. THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE CHILDREN. ARE WORKS OF ART. HUMAN BORTHED BY TWO GRAND MASTERS. OF ART. AND ART THINGS.  
  
TT: The department of redundancy department.  
  
uu: SHUT UP.  
  
\--   
undyingUmbrage [uu]   
sent file "DIRKTHISISUS9.png" --

TT: Why is my arm out of the frame?  
  
uu: YOU ARE RETRIEVING ADDITIONAL PENCILS.  
  
TT: I see.  
  
\--   
undyingUmbrage [uu]   
sent file "DIRKTHISISUS10.png" --

TT: And what's your arm doing?  
  
uu: I AM EXECUTING THE HUMAN MANEUVER YOU CALL. "THE HUG".  
  
TT: That's... goddamned adorable, jesus.  
  
uu: OKAY. I KNOW I SAID. THAT THE OTHER PICTURE WAS THE BEST ONE.  
  
uu: BUT THIS ONE. NUMBER ELEVEN.  
  
uu: IS THE BEST OF THE BEST.  
  
uu: THE CREAM OF THE CROP.  
  
uu: THE TIP OF THE TOP.  
  
uu: AND OTHER CLICHÉS.  
  
\--   
undyingUmbrage [uu]   
sent file "DIRKTHISISUS11.png" --

TT: Um.  
  
TT: Cough.  
  
TT: What are we... doing there, on the floor, exactly?  
  
uu: I TRIED TO GET CLARIFICATION ON THE TERMINOLOGY.  
  
uu: BUT RECEIVED NO HELP.  
  
uu: SO THIS IS ONLY A GUESS.  
  
uu: BUT I THINK. IT'S CALLED "SNUGGLING".  
  
TT: Ahahaha.  
  
TT: So we gave up on the art?  
  
uu: WE WOULD NEVER GIVE UP ON ART.  
  
uu: WE ARE SIMPLY POSTPONING IT.  
  
uu: WHILE WE ATTEND TO OTHER IMPORTANT MATTERS.  
  
TT: Such as?  
  
uu: SUCH AS ME HOLDING YOU. AND SHOWING YOU "HUMAN AFFECTION".  
  
TT: I think... it just counts as affection, at that point. Cherub affection and human affection seem like they're running parallel here.  
  
uu: IF YOU SAY SO.  
  
uu: I WILL BELIEVE YOU.  
  
uu: BECAUSE. I ADMIRE YOUR SMARTNESS. EXCESSIVE THOUGH IT MAY BE.  
  
TT: Well. Shucks, buster.  
  
uu: I ALSO ADMIRE. THAT THE ANGLES IN YOUR FACE. ARE PLEASANT TO BEHOLD.  
  
uu: THE ANGLES ARE BETTER. WHEN THEY ARE NOT COVERED BY TRI-ANGLES.  
  
TT: Probably easier to behold, yeah...  
  
uu: THE TRIANGLES. MUCH LIKE THE BITCHES. ARE SIMILARLY NOT INVITED TO THIS PRIVATE EVENT.  
  
TT: Who all's on the guest list, then?  
  
uu: ME AND YOU.  
  
TT: Heh, yeah?  
  
uu: IF YOU GO ON A CHERUB/HUMAN DATE. WITH ME. WE CAN DRAW. AND ALSO EAT CANDY. AND PROBABLY HUG AND SNUGGLE.  
  
TT: Go on.  
  
uu: AND.  
  
TT: And?  
  
uu: IF YOU WANT ME TO. EVEN THOUGH YOUR SPECIES HAS LIPS THAT ARE FLESHY AND NON-SKELETAL.  
  
uu: I WILL FIND IT WITHIN MYSELF. TO MAKE DO.  
  
uu: AND KISS YOU.  
  
TT: Aheh.  
  
TT: That's... quite an offer.  
  
TT: But what exactly are you saying? I dunno that I follow this to the letter just yet.  
  
uu: DIRK STRIDER.  
  
uu: YOU SHOULD HANG OUT WITH ME.  
  
TT: Ha ha, and then what?  
  
uu: AND THEN ASK ME. IF I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.  
  
TT: (dying whale noises)  
  
uu: BUT. IF YOU CAN'T SUMMON THE WORDS.  
  
uu: BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO BUSY MAKING FLUSTERED SOUNDS.  
  
uu: I WILL JUST TELL YOU.  
  
uu: THAT IT'S TOO LATE!  
  
uu: I AM ALREADY HERE.  
  
uu: AND. I ALREADY FEEL THAT WAY.  
  
uu: SO. UH.  
  
TT: I... didn't think we'd ever be having a conversation like this.  
  
TT: But I can't say that I'm opposed, now that it's happening.  
  
uu: YOU CAN THANK. THE ACHIEVEMENT BADGE. THAT I HAVE OBTAINED.  
  
uu: THAT ALLOWS ME TO HAVE. NON-AWKWARD PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.  
  
TT: I am honestly real fuckin' grateful to that badge, whether or not that's a tangible thing that is literally real.  
  
uu: DIRK.  
  
uu: I HAVE NOTICED.  
  
uu: THAT YOU HAVEN'T SAID YES.  
  
TT: (flustered laughter)  
  
TT: I just...  
  
uu: IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. THEN I WILL STOP ASKING. AND I WON'T BRING IT UP AGAIN.  
  
uu: BECAUSE. THAT'S THE RULES.  
  
TT: Wait, no.  
  
TT: That's not it.  
  
TT: I just don't... really understand why people feel this way about me.  
  
TT: Like, I'm not hot shit.  
  
uu: NO. YOU ARE NOT SHIT.  
  
TT: Pff, I'm just hot?  
  
uu: YES.  
  
TT: Ahaha.  
  
uu: BUT ALSO.  
  
uu: YOU HELPED ME GET OUT. OF THAT FUCKING ROOM.  
  
uu: AND YOU ARE ALSO THE REASON I CAN WALK.  
  
uu: AND TALKING TO YOU. IS WHAT KEPT ME GOING. FOR ALL THAT TIME.  
  
uu: AND YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BE BETTER. AT MAKING ART.  
  
TT: Really?  
  
uu: YES. IDIOT.  
  
TT: I... don't know what to say.  
  
uu: YOU HELPED ME SAVE MY OWN LIFE.  
  
TT: I did, didn't I.  
  
TT: Well. Thank fuck for that.  
  
TT: Because otherwise we wouldn't be talking right now.  
  
TT: And I'm really fuckin' stoked that we are.  
  
uu: YES. GOOD.  
  
TT: It's still hard for me to wrap my head around people liking me.  
  
uu: WHAT IS NOT TO LIKE.  
  
TT: (additional flustered laughing)  
  
TT: Um.  
  
TT: Okay.  
  
TT: I say fucking yes this instant.  
  
TT: Yes, I will gladly go on a hangout-artwork-date with you.  
  
uu: YES!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
TT: Just as long as you don't shove sugar into my eyes.  
  
uu: THOSE TERMS ARE MORE THAN REASONABLE.  
  
TT: You can even make the kiss happen with our mutually alien lips touching together.  
  
uu: I LIKE IT. WHEN YOU MAKE CLEVER JOKES ABOUT YOUR ART. THAT YOU DID FOR ME.  
  
TT: I like that I know your name.  
  
uu: I LIKE THAT YOU KNOW MY NAME.  
  
uu: I LIKE THAT I CAN FINALLY TELL IT TO YOU. WITHOUT BREAKING THE RULES.  
  
TT: I think I just fucking like you, actually.  
  
uu: GODDAMN RIGHT.  
  
TT: Oh ho!  
  
uu: BECAUSE. I AGREE WITH THAT STATEMENT. BUT IN REVERSE.  
  
uu: ALTHOUGH I ALSO LIKE MYSELF. PLENTY.  
  
TT: That's... something I need to work on, with me, I guess, but y'know. It is what it is.  
  
uu: IF YOU DO NOT LIKE YOURSELF.  
  
uu: I WILL KEEP TELLING YOU. ALL THE REASONS THAT YOU ARE GOOD. UNTIL YOU LISTEN.  
  
TT: But I...  
  
TT: Okay.  
  
TT: I think I needed to hear that.  
  
TT: Caliborn, I would love to go on an art date with you.  
  
uu: YOU ALREADY SAID YES.  
  
TT: It bears repeating.  
  
uu: HEH <3  
  
TT: Get your computer pencil ready, dude.  
  
TT: Let's make this hapen.  



End file.
